It’s no secret I should have graduated last year. I had plenty of excuses for why I didn’t, but in the end it comes down to me. No excuses this time. I’m taking classes I’m comfortable with, nothing outside of my degree and I only need to pass them to win.
No distractions, no dates, just work, school, homework and iTunes. Plenty of time to fuck around when I finish.
I always give myself a few extra days into the new year to decide what I’m going to give up. I like to consider my birthday to be beginning of the year for me since obviously it was the first time I ever showed up in the world.
Last year I didn’t even think about giving up smoking until around January 9. Oh yeah, coming up on a year of being smoke-free. Yay me!
So is this the year that I become the crazy cat man? Is this the year I give up playing World of Warcraft? Is this the year I get in shape? Is this the year that I give up all my hangups and become a better person in life?
Let’s see how I feel in the next few days. Night!
1. Men, be between 15-30 minutes early.
Women, you can show up an hour late and then an additional 30 minutes for every cup size your bra goes up to, no more than four hours late, and fakies don’t count!
2. Men, if you invited her out, you pay the bill. Don’t be a bitch when it comes to tipping either.
Women, you went out with him, so let him pay or split it.
3. Men, pick something that is nice and neutral to take her out to. Your house is not a good first stop.
Women, don’t be super picky. As long as it’s a step above McDonald’s, go with it! Whataburger is nice.
4. Men, first date kissing etiquette is super complicated, so watch her body language. If she is actively avoiding coming within a few feet of you, cut your losses.
Women, throw us a bone here. If it’s okay to kiss you, get all snuggly up close!
5. Men, don’t ask any questions you aren’t comfortable also answering. If you ask her how many sexual partners she’s had, be prepared to answer in kind.
Women, same goes for you. If a topic is taboo, feel free to mention it early on. “Don’t ask me about all the abortions I’ve had!”
6. Men, this isn’t high school. Stop trying to talk a girl you haven’t even met yet into sending you naked pictures or “candid shots”.
Women, don’t let men manipulate you into this BS. They just want to see how pliable you are as a first date lay.
7. Men, it is not cool to hint or overtly state that you have masturbated since you started conversing with them. Save any talk about your penis until she actually sees it. It’s all small talk before that.
Women, don’t make mention of your breasts until you are ready for the person you are dating to fixate on them. “My breasts are sore,” will never be responded to by a straight male with anything beyond “I WILL MASSAGE THEM FOR YOU!!!”
Okay, so the government shut down. I’m not going to lie and say I know what it’s all about because I know shit about politics.
I do know that if I didn’t do my job, I’d be fired and they’d call someone else to do it. Where are the back line Senators ready to step up and listen to constituents? I might be biased because I don’t know my own price yet. I like to think I’d be really expensive to buy, but probably not. Probably a Baconator and a Frosty.
I’m hungry.
Hello! I’m Curtis. You probably know that already. Here are some things you need to know if you are at all interested in dating me:
No means no, period. If I ask you if you want the last piece of cheesecake and you say no, I’m eating it. If you are secretly harboring feelings for that piece of cheesecake, I don’t read between the lines. No ends all discussion with me. I don’t get my feelings hurt if you say no to anything, be it a movie or sex, or even cheesecake. I’ll happily watch a movie alone, masturbate or eat the cheesecake. Hell, I can do all three at once.
Most songs I wrote aren’t about you. I promise, I probably didn’t even know you when I wrote Bitch!
My job is pretty messed up. I need to talk about some of the things I see and hear. If you don’t want to hear about cases, see the thing about no from above.
Okay, I highly doubt anyone who prank calls crisis phone lines know how to read, so if you can share this with them I’m sure I speak for a lot of people that we would really appreciate it.
Look, I get it. It’s fun to call a stranger on the phone and say something stupid. Sometimes you have stupid thoughts in your head that you need to get out. You can say these out loud without other people hearing you, in the privacy of your own home.
The whole point of prank calls is to be 1) funny or 2) shocking. I can promise you, unless you’re Bill Burr, Kevin Hart, Jimmy Carr or Eddie Murphy back in the 80’s, nothing you say to the operator is new material. You’re one of hundreds of other people that at one point or another thought it would be funny or shocking to call a rape crisis hotline and say “I’m having lecherous thoughts about my mother.”
(If you’re reading this to someone who fit the first paragraph, they’re looking quizzically at you with the use of the previous sentence. For the sake if moving on just say “I’m feeling horny towards my mommy.”)
The things other human beings are capable of inflicting on each other pales to the stupid thing you think will get a rise out of us. As an operator for a rape crisis hotline, I’ve heard people talk about things that Eli Roth would balk at putting into a movie. If you call me for a few hours straight saying “Fuck you dude.” and hanging up, for one thing, five hours, seriously? You could have used that time to find some fun porn on the internet. I watched two movies during those five hours (Non-porn, for the record!). You might have noticed I didn’t pause the movies after your first few times calling. I apologize if the background noise threw you off. You didn’t have very good reception a lot of the time so I only got bits sometimes. I did admire your tenacity. You probably noticed I didn’t answer the phone every single time you called. We actually have multiple phone lines in case more than one person needs help. You were more than welcome to leave a message on our voicemail.
We aren’t your friend. We don’t lie to people about how things will be better someday because we don’t know. One of the first things they teach you is don’t promise anything you can’t guarantee. I can promise I will listen to you, give advice and a safety plan and if it’s three in the morning I’ll try to calm your mind down by relating to you and talking about things we both like. Beyond that, tomorrow could be a shit day. Bad things tend to pile up. It can take a long time for someone to see the silver lining. That’s why we work on the hotline. Because every once in awhile, between the “Fuck you!” calls and the “Only black men turn me on!” calls, there is someone who needs to tell their story to someone. Someone who will listen without judging them and at the end of the day not try to follow up later. Just talking about a traumatic experience is therapeutic and when it’s a stranger you tell it to, you don’t end the call wondering if their opinion of you has changed.
We offer a valuable service to people who honestly need access to it. You aren’t denying them the service by being a dick, but you might be affecting the mood of the person who’s answering the phone for the real emergencies.
On a side note, if you don’t mask your phone number and make shocking claims, don’t be surprised if the police show up. We are allowed to report dangerous situations. Thanks for reading, or being read to. (If you were narrating this for a moron, please do so in a Morgan Freeman voice!)
I’m officially announcing my candidacy for Texas State Governor now that Rick Perry isn’t seeking re-election. My platform is simple: legalize marijuana for medicinal purposes, tax it like cigarettes and treat it like alcohol when driving. While no one wants to hear about taxes, I’m going to propose the munchie tax, a 5% increase on all the things you buy when high. Funyuns, candy and microwaveable pizza. I propose dispensaries be state sanctioned. You must be 18 to legally purchase weed. I’d also like to drop the legal drinking age in Texas to 18 as well. If you can die for your country in war, you might as well be able to enjoy a cold brew with your friends. I don’t condone driving while under the influence, so those laws won’t change.
Now my main platform is women rights. As a male, I have no business telling a woman what she can do with her body. Abortion is not something it is my place, or any others mans place to even weigh in, unless the child is yours and you know you can be the best damn parent this side of the Brady Bunch.
You all know my stances on prostitution. It works in Nevada and Canada, so lets give it a try here. File yourself as a small business, file taxes and get checked regularly for things customers wouldn’t like bringing home.
We’re a huge state. We have gay couples which would love to get married. I think we all know the world hasn’t ended in a flaming ball of hellfire, so lets legalize same sex marriage. For the doubters out there, it’s not mandatory. If you’re straight you can still marry the opposite sex. This only affects same sex couples that want to file taxes together and be informed if one of them dies.
Immigration. I thought this would be a hard one, but how many of you really like mowing your own lawn? Not many. Now imagine picking cotton in the hot Texas sun, or fruit. The idea sucks. Let the people willing to come across the border to do those jobs do them. They aren’t taking the jobs you really want. I’ve heard no stories about illegals stealing astronaut jobs or cowboy jobs. Well, maybe cowboy jobs, but whatever.
Curtis Mueller for Texas Governor in 2015! Because why not?
Parents young and old:
I grew up an American. I remember being ashamed of the idea of masturbation until I was married and discovered that some times you have to rub one out or you’re in for a bad night. FYI ladies, blue balls is a real thing and it isn’t fun. As an American, and a Texan no less, I know how prudish we can be. Do everyone a favor and teach your children the correct terms for their private areas. There is nothing wrong with the words vagina or penis.
You know how easy it is for a teacher to misunderstand if a five year old tells her “Billy touched my cookie” rather than “Billy touched my vagina”? Which one raises an instant warning flag? In a classroom of forty students, an outcry when all forty students have a different cute word for their no-no zone takes too long to register.
Don’t treat the words as taboo words. Don’t giggle when they say them. You aren’t a bad parent because your child knows the correct term for their reproductive organs. Honest discourse is the heart of an open and honest family.