I’m officially announcing my candidacy for Texas State Governor now that Rick Perry isn’t seeking re-election. My platform is simple: legalize marijuana for medicinal purposes, tax it like cigarettes and treat it like alcohol when driving. While no one wants to hear about taxes, I’m going to propose the munchie tax, a 5% increase on all the things you buy when high. Funyuns, candy and microwaveable pizza. I propose dispensaries be state sanctioned. You must be 18 to legally purchase weed. I’d also like to drop the legal drinking age in Texas to 18 as well. If you can die for your country in war, you might as well be able to enjoy a cold brew with your friends. I don’t condone driving while under the influence, so those laws won’t change.
Now my main platform is women rights. As a male, I have no business telling a woman what she can do with her body. Abortion is not something it is my place, or any others mans place to even weigh in, unless the child is yours and you know you can be the best damn parent this side of the Brady Bunch.
You all know my stances on prostitution. It works in Nevada and Canada, so lets give it a try here. File yourself as a small business, file taxes and get checked regularly for things customers wouldn’t like bringing home.
We’re a huge state. We have gay couples which would love to get married. I think we all know the world hasn’t ended in a flaming ball of hellfire, so lets legalize same sex marriage. For the doubters out there, it’s not mandatory. If you’re straight you can still marry the opposite sex. This only affects same sex couples that want to file taxes together and be informed if one of them dies.
Immigration. I thought this would be a hard one, but how many of you really like mowing your own lawn? Not many. Now imagine picking cotton in the hot Texas sun, or fruit. The idea sucks. Let the people willing to come across the border to do those jobs do them. They aren’t taking the jobs you really want. I’ve heard no stories about illegals stealing astronaut jobs or cowboy jobs. Well, maybe cowboy jobs, but whatever.
Curtis Mueller for Texas Governor in 2015! Because why not?