Okay, I highly doubt anyone who prank calls crisis phone lines know how to read, so if you can share this with them I’m sure I speak for a lot of people that we would really appreciate it.
Look, I get it. It’s fun to call a stranger on the phone and say something stupid. Sometimes you have stupid thoughts in your head that you need to get out. You can say these out loud without other people hearing you, in the privacy of your own home.
The whole point of prank calls is to be 1) funny or 2) shocking. I can promise you, unless you’re Bill Burr, Kevin Hart, Jimmy Carr or Eddie Murphy back in the 80’s, nothing you say to the operator is new material. You’re one of hundreds of other people that at one point or another thought it would be funny or shocking to call a rape crisis hotline and say “I’m having lecherous thoughts about my mother.”
(If you’re reading this to someone who fit the first paragraph, they’re looking quizzically at you with the use of the previous sentence. For the sake if moving on just say “I’m feeling horny towards my mommy.”)
The things other human beings are capable of inflicting on each other pales to the stupid thing you think will get a rise out of us. As an operator for a rape crisis hotline, I’ve heard people talk about things that Eli Roth would balk at putting into a movie. If you call me for a few hours straight saying “Fuck you dude.” and hanging up, for one thing, five hours, seriously? You could have used that time to find some fun porn on the internet. I watched two movies during those five hours (Non-porn, for the record!). You might have noticed I didn’t pause the movies after your first few times calling. I apologize if the background noise threw you off. You didn’t have very good reception a lot of the time so I only got bits sometimes. I did admire your tenacity. You probably noticed I didn’t answer the phone every single time you called. We actually have multiple phone lines in case more than one person needs help. You were more than welcome to leave a message on our voicemail.
We aren’t your friend. We don’t lie to people about how things will be better someday because we don’t know. One of the first things they teach you is don’t promise anything you can’t guarantee. I can promise I will listen to you, give advice and a safety plan and if it’s three in the morning I’ll try to calm your mind down by relating to you and talking about things we both like. Beyond that, tomorrow could be a shit day. Bad things tend to pile up. It can take a long time for someone to see the silver lining. That’s why we work on the hotline. Because every once in awhile, between the “Fuck you!” calls and the “Only black men turn me on!” calls, there is someone who needs to tell their story to someone. Someone who will listen without judging them and at the end of the day not try to follow up later. Just talking about a traumatic experience is therapeutic and when it’s a stranger you tell it to, you don’t end the call wondering if their opinion of you has changed.
We offer a valuable service to people who honestly need access to it. You aren’t denying them the service by being a dick, but you might be affecting the mood of the person who’s answering the phone for the real emergencies.
On a side note, if you don’t mask your phone number and make shocking claims, don’t be surprised if the police show up. We are allowed to report dangerous situations. Thanks for reading, or being read to. (If you were narrating this for a moron, please do so in a Morgan Freeman voice!)